Three
3. (9/16/2009)
HAMMER TOSS
A man enters with an old fashioned trapezoidal weight. On the side of it he writes “2 TONNES.”
Another man enters wearing a white and black onesie. He is bald. He has a curly mustache. He is the muscle man.
MUSCLEMAN: I challenge anyone to lift as much as I.
For I am the muscle man.
As ninety percent of the world is covered in water
And three hundred three-hundred-fifths of the potato are water,
So to is my body made of muscle.
For I am the muscle man.
Who dareth challenge me.
No one rises from their seats.
He stares down the audience.
MUSCLEMAN: You there,
Puny boy.
You are puny.
I bet you could not lift more than one tonne.
Metric.
Not even real,
Strong, American tonnes.
The boy or girl (it doesn’t matter, really) does not rise to his seat.
MUSCLEMAN: Perhaps you there in the back.
The woman, who looks quite like a man.
The woman with the man’s haircut and the crusty upper lip.
Per haps you could come down here and arm wrestle this child of a boy.
ASSISTANT: Yeah, you get ‘em Muscleman!
MUSCLEMAN: QUIET!
ASSISTANT: Yessir.
MUSCLEMAN: QUIET MEANS NOT EVEN AFFIRMATIVE RESPONSES TO MY LUDICROUS DEMANDS.
…
UNDERSTOOD?
…
ASSISTANT?
…
…
Good.
Good.
Now then, who dares challenge the muscleman of this here beach?
Who dares think they have a mustache larger than mine, or biceps the size of the peninsula of florida.
Who dares think they can define peninsula?
Who challenges me?
Enter Muscleman 2 and Assistant 2. Assistant 2 is a barker. He has a cone megaphone kind of thing. Muscleman 2 juggles three balls with the words 3 TONNES on each.
ASSISTANT 2: STEP RIGHT UP, FRIENDS AND FOE A LIKE!
BOYS AND GIRLS,
LADIES AND GENTS,
GELLIES AND SPOONS!
Go with me kids.
You’ve heard of the seven wonders of the world:
THE PYRAMIDS AT GIZA,
THE HANGING GARDENS OF BABYLON,
…
AND OTHERS!
Well, HERE IS THE EIGHTH.
MUSCLEMAN JONES!
MUSCLEMAN 2: Hi.
MUCLEMAN: how come you never talk like that for me?
Assistant shrugs.
MUSCLEMAN: EXCUSE ME!
This is my part of the beach,
So maybe you could go down there.
In front of the haunted house on the boardwalk.
Where people throw discarded popcorn and
French fries.
ASSISTANT 2: I’m sorry.
This is gonna be our beach now.
You see my friend there,
MUSCLEMAN JONES,
He’s Russian. Soviet. Been shipped around too much already. He doesn’t take kindly to being moved around no more.
Maybe you could find a new location.
In front of the dumpster down there.
By where the seagulls watch people’s dreams die.
On the boardwalk.
MUSCLEMAN: I’m not sure I like this plan.
ASSISTANT 2: Well there’ll be plenty of time to think about it on the walk.
MUSCLEMAN 2: How about.
The challege.
We could do it?
ASSISTANT 2: The challenge? I don’t know if that’s a good idea.
MUSCLEMAN:
I’ll do it.
I’ll do it.
ASSISTANT 2:
I don’t know.
MUSCLEMAN: Please. Let me have it.
Let me have the challenge.
At least let me go down with a fight.
ASSISTANT 2: Okay.
STEP RIGHT UP, BOYS AND GIRLS
THE TWO STRONGEST MEN IN THE WORLD,
MUSCLEMAN JONES AND THIS FELLAH.
ABOUT TO SEE WHO IS STRONGER.
A TRUE TEST OF WILL AND… uh…STRENGTH.
MUSCLEMAN: Wait… what’s the challenge.
ASSISTANT 2: You’ll do fine.
WELCOME TO THE FIRST CONEY ISLAND HOT DOG CONTEST.
MUSCLEMAN 2: I LOVE HOT DAOWFS.
MUSCLEMAN: Hot dogs?
ASSISTANT: THAT’S RIGHT!
HOT DOGS.
YOU LOVE ‘EM.
WE GOT ‘EM.
WE WANNA WATCH YOU EAT ‘EM!
An attractive woman in a one piece bathing suit and a crown and sash enters with a huge vat of boiled hot dogs.
She looks unmistakably like Miss Michigan 1988.
WOMAN: Eat up boys.
An actual hot dog eating competition occurs.
Whoever wins wins.
I guess that’s the way things work like that.
The real results are the real results.
Then.
In shame.
One of the musclemen walks off into the audience.
Then.
The assistant left on stage reads the beginning of the Odyssey aloud.
Then it changes.
“Tell me, O muse, of that ingenious hero who traveled far and wide after he had sacked the famous Hot Dog Eating Contest. Many cities did he visit, and many were the nations with whose manners and customs he was acquainted; moreover he suffered much by the sea while trying to save his own life and bring his men safely to a better home; but do what he might he could not save his men, for they perished through their own sheer folly in eating not the hot dogs, but the popcorn by the haunted house; so the gods prevented them from ever reaching home. Tell me, too, about all these things, O daughter of Jove, from whatsoever source you may know them.
Curtain.
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