Eight
8. (9/21/2009)
an interview inside of an interview inside of an interview inside of an interview inside of an interview inside of an interview inside of an interview
the set of a popular public television show.
Hal Bervis Tonight.
Some music plays.
HAL
Good evening everyone and welcome to Hal Bervis tonight. I’m Hal Bervis, you’re host.
A pause.
Hal turns to another camera.
HAL (continued)
Tonight, we’re dealing with a topic, not everyone feels comfortable discussing, but it’s an important topic and I think it’s important that we take the time on our program to address it.
Hal turns to another camera.
HAL (continued)
Of course… I’m talking about guns in school.
Now, I’ll take the time to introduce you to my guests for the evening.
First up, Samantha Spargimino, the secretary of education.
SAMANTHA
It’s great to be here, Hal. Thanks for having me.
HAL
The pleasure is ours.
George F. Konner, the president of the National Rifle Association.
GEORGE
Hal.
HAL
And amateur pornographer Skipp Sandwich.
Skipp, uncomfortable, leans unnecessarily close to the microphone and speaks unbelievably quietly.
SKIPP
thanks for having me Hal.
HAL
Well.
I think the question must be brought up first, why is there so much violence in schools these days?
Samantha, perhaps you could weigh in on this for us.
SAMANTHA
Sure thing, thanks, Hal.
Well, I’m sure you know that America does have a love affair with guns.
GEORGE
Here it comes.
SAMANTHA
I don’t have a problem with the guns. Any reference to something that exists in our constitution, I don’t have a problem with its presence in American society, but what I do have a problem with is how we don’t make any attempt to educate people about the danger of the gun itself.
We don’t have stricter gun laws saying a person can’t buy an automatic rifle.
We don’t have any restriction about ammunition or easily concealed handguns.
No one uses a hand gun to hunt.
GEORGE
now… Mrs. Sparimangio.
SAMANTHA
Spargimino.
GEORGE
Yeah.
Whatever.
I think you’re really underestimating the education level of the NRA. We spend much of our money dedicated to teaching youngsters about the importance of gun safety.
We have mascots.
Cartoons.
Plastic ties to put around the trigger to make sure kids can’t get to the gun.
But guns are tools, not weapons.
Guns are weapons as much as a chainsaw might be a weapon.
Or a harpoon gun might be a weapon.
Or a knife may be a weapon.
SAMANTHA
All of those things ARE weapons.
GEORGE
Ah… only in the eyes of an individual dedicated to using them as weapons.
HAL
This is all very interesting, but I’d like to get Mr. Sandwiches take on the subject.
SKIPP
Thanks very much, Hal.
Skipp takes a piece of paper out of a front pocket.
i’d like to start by saying i have no idea what i’m doing here.
It’s hard to tell why I would be here with a panel of two people who are clearly closer to the subject.
I can’t shed any light on the subject of violence in schools.
I can’t say anything about the importance of safety.
I can’t say anything about how much safety is constitutionally correct.
I… I’m getting to think that I might be trapped on this show.
That this may be a punishment for my sins on earth.
For my amateur pornographic sins I must pay by being an eternal guest on a show which I have no understanding of the subject being discussed.
I fear this might be my plight.
Skipp crumples up the piece of paper and puts it back in his pocket.
HAL
Interesting.
Well, this has been a wonderful night. Clearly we have no more time left, but join us again next week for another program.
I’m Hal Bervis.
Take care.
Blackout.
the set of a popular public television show.
Hal Bervis Tonight.
Some music plays.
HAL
Good evening everyone and welcome to Hal Bervis tonight. I’m Hal Bervis, you’re host.
A pause.
Hal turns to another camera.
HAL (continued)
Tonight, we’re dealing with a topic, not everyone feels comfortable discussing, but it’s an important topic and I think it’s important that we take the time on our program to address it.
Hal turns to another camera.
HAL (continued)
Of course… I’m talking about pedophilia in tee-ball.
Now, I’ll take the time to introduce you to my guests for the evening.
First up, Samantha Spallinkordopolis, the director of public relations for youth in sports.
SAMANTHA
It’s great to be here, Hal. Thanks for having me.
HAL
The pleasure is ours.
George F. Crankes, a convicted sex-offender and former tee-ball coach.
GEORGE
Hal.
HAL
And amateur pornographer Skipp Sandwich.
Skipp, uncomfortable, leans unnecessarily close to the microphone and speaks unbelievably quietly.
SKIPP
Hal, if I may–
HAL
One second there, Skipp.
I’d like to open with the simple question:
Why tee-ball?
Samantha, perhaps you could weigh in on this for us.
SAMANTHA
Thanks, Hal.
I do have a background in psychology, so if you don’t mind.
HAL
By all means.
SAMANTHA
Well, as I’m sure you know America has a love affair with penises.
GEORGE
Oh. Here we go.
SAMANTHA
Look at our cities:
Phalluses! Streaking the skies! Everywhere the male genitalia destroying our view of the stars.
And we’ve come to expect it, or at least deal with it.
Well, I’d like to bring to mind, the tee in tee-ball.
The tee looks like a penis as well.
GEORGE
It’s not the tee.
It’s not just the tee.
It’s other things.
It’s a group of young people in one concentrated area.
It’s pizza parties afterwards.
It’s the possibility of seeing in one of them, the childhood you never had.
It’s the possibility of being close to something pure!
That’s it.
It’s not because we like that the tee looks like a penis.
Talk to the boyscouts.
Nothing looks like a penis with the boyscouts.
HAL
Interesting.
Care to add anything Skipp?
SKIPP
Yes. Thank you, Hal.
Skipp takes a piece of paper out of a front pocket.
I do not claim to be a talented public speaker.
Sometimes I write down notes.
I ust jott them down on a piece of paper I might find on the ground,
Or a soiled cocktail napkin:
“There is often a pain between my big toe and the toe next to it.
The piggy that went to market and the one that stayed home.
I’m afraid it is a sure sign that I have already died and that my judgment,
From my maker,
Is now at hand.
What a thought, to think that my judgment is to be here.
Unknowing.
Unknown.
and confused.
Skipp crumples up the piece of paper and puts it back in his pocket.
HAL
As always, this has been an incredible opportunity to discuss the important issues.
I’d like to thank all of you for tuning in.
We’ll see you next week.
I’m Hal Bervis.
Take Care.
Blackout.
the set of a popular public television show.
Hal Bervis Tonight.
Some music plays.
HAL
Good evening everyone and welcome to Hal Bervis tonight. I’m Hal Bervis, you’re host.
A pause.
Hal turns to another camera.
HAL (continued)
Tonight, we’re dealing with a topic, not everyone feels comfortable discussing, but it’s an important topic and I think it’s important that we take the time on our program to address it.
Hal turns to another camera.
HAL (continued)
Of course… I’m talking about the cancer producing rays emanating from all electronic products.
Now, I’ll take the time to introduce you to my guests for the evening.
First up, Samantha Smarginerthingklergh, the leading neurosurgeon in our current nation and a lobbyist for the FDA.
SAMANTHA
It’s great to be here, Hal. Thanks for having me.
HAL
The pleasure is ours.
George F. Cornerstone the most successful cellular telephone salesman in the continental United States.
GEORGE
Hal.
HAL
And amateur pornographer Skipp Sandwich.
Skipp, uncomfortable, leans unnecessarily close to the microphone and speaks unbelievably quietly.
SKIPP
This I know is hell.
HAL
I’m sorry.
SKIPP
Or at least purgatory.
HAL
Okay.
I’d like to start with the question on everyone’s mind.
Do I have cancer?
Samantha?
SAMANTHA
Thanks, Hal.
There’s no way of knowing.
It’s possible that every electronic device is emitting deadly cancer as we speak.
GEORGE
Oh jeez.
SAMANTHA
That camera being pointed at us?
The cell phone on vibrate in my pocket.
Your pocket.
His pocket.
The cameraman’s beeper.
My beeper.
The gps unit in your car.
The ignition to your car.
Samantha goes on reciting things that are remotely mechanical.
Skipp pulls out a small crumpled up piece of paper.
Skipp speaks over her.
Into the microphone.
SKIPP
i use electronics on a daily basis,
Cameras.
Lights
Cell phones.
For the amateur pornography,
And there is not an ounce of cancer in my body.
Or so I think.
But the more that I hear the electronic devices that exist,
The more that I think about the possibilities of ounces of cancer in my body.
My pornography,
Although amateur,
Is not bad.
Not in a quality way,
But in a naughty versus not naughty,
Legal versus illegal.
There is little to no reason I should be judged for my pornography as sins.
I am not a sinner.
He crumples up the piece of paper and returns it to his pocket.
HAL
That is a fascinating observation Samantha.
Well, that’s all the time we have tonight.
Join us next week.
I’m Hal Bervis.
Take Care.
Blackout.
the set of a popular public television show.
Hal Bervis Tonight.
Some music plays.
HAL
Good evening everyone and welcome to Hal Bervis tonight. I’m Hal Bervis, you’re host.
A pause.
Hal turns to another camera.
HAL (continued)
Tonight, we’re dealing with a topic, not everyone feels comfortable discussing, but it’s an important topic and I think it’s important that we take the time on our program to address it.
Hal turns to another camera.
HAL (continued)
Of course… I’m talking about puppies.
Now, I’ll take the time to introduce you to my guests for the evening.
First up, Samantha Sglerkggggggggggghsdasdasdfasdfkhggnnngibhbenasdjvemg-ikchennnsduggnenguvnegefngnnerufnnnsdhcneh, the Ben Carson of veterinarians.
SAMANTHA
It’s great to be here, Hal. Thanks for having me.
HAL
The pleasure is ours.
George F. Cackledamm the leader of the American Nazi party and a hater of dogs.
GEORGE
Hal.
HAL
And amateur pornographer Skipp Sandwich.
Skipp, uncomfortable, leans unnecessarily close to the microphone and speaks unbelievably quietly.
SKIPP
There are certainly things I have done which I regret.
HAL
Excuse me?
SKIPP
I dropped out of junior college.
HAL
Skipp?
SKIPP
Junior college is nearly impossible to drop out of, but I did it.
And now, I am to be my own judge.
HAL
Well, I’d like to start with the question that’s on everybody’s mind… and if it’s not it should be:
Puppies?
Samantha?
SAMANTHA
Quick and short answer for you Hal:
Yes.
HAL
Interesting.
George?
Care to weigh in?
GEORGE
Thanks Hal.
As a hater of the Jew, I find myself often thinking in terms of german shepherds, Doberman pinschers, the foulest of beast to take care of my demon-like and monstrous business, but ultimately I must rely on the work of a dog.
Puppies are far to cute.
They strike the fear into no one.
Perhaps.
Is it possible,
Doctor,
To perhaps merge a puppy with something frightening,
Say,
A knife.
Or the killer from the movie SCREAM.
SAMANTHA
I’m afraid the movie scream is fiction and a knife is an inanimate object.
GEORGE
Then I’m afraid I must say no to puppies.
HAL
Interesiting.
Skipp? Any final notes?
SKIPP
Thank you.
Skipp pulls out a crumpled piece of paper.
It should be stated that we all do things we are not proud of but pornography should not be one of them.
Who, as a child, has not dreamed of recreating the mona lisa or a painting of similar clout?
A film that we loved as a child, recreating that?
Who has not pretended to be Dorothy, or scarecrow, or lion, or tinman?
Or Terminator?
Or the titanic?
Who has not pretended to be an astronaut?
Or a fireman?
Who has not dreamed to recreate these things we are so passionate about as children?
This is all I’ve done?
I’ve recreated that one passion I held most secret and hidden underneath sheets as a child with a small flashlight clamped between my teeth.
All I’ve done is recreate that thing I loved so much.
Skipp crumples up the piece of paper and puts it in his pocket.
HAL
Wow.
A very interesting point of view.
That’s all the time we have now.
Thanks for watching.
I’m Hal Bervis.
Take care.
Blackout.
the set of a popular public television show.
Hal Bervis Tonight.
Some music plays.
HAL
Good evening everyone and welcome to Hal Bervis tonight. I’m Hal Bervis, you’re host.
A pause.
Hal turns to another camera.
HAL (continued)
Tonight, we’re dealing with a topic, not everyone feels comfortable discussing, but it’s an important topic and I think it’s important that we take the time on our program to address it.
Hal turns to another camera.
HAL (continued)
Of course… I’m talking about…
I’m talking about, of course…
*COUGH*
excuse me.
*cough*
exc-
of course I’m talking of amateur pornography
Now, I’ll take the time to introduce you to my guests for the evening.
First up, Samantha , whose last name sounds like the wind passing through the trees on a particularly beautiful Appalachian mountain in the fall, when the leaves have begun to change colors. Herself, a blooming cherry tree, wondering what has happened to the spring she once held dear.
SAMANTHA
It’s great to be here, Hal. Thanks for having me.
HAL
The pleasure is ours.
George F. Frankenstein, who of course is the son of a hideous monster.
GEORGE
Hal.
HAL
And amateur pornographer Skipp Sandwich.
Skipp, sobs slowly.
SKIPP
I’m sorry.
HAL
It’s quite all right, skip, we understand how emotional this must be for you.
SKIPP
I can’t tell if I’m crying because I’m happy or if I’m sad.
HAL
Well, there are tissues in front of you.
SKIPP
Thank you.
HAL
Don’t mention it.
Now then, on to the discussion.
Why amateur pornography?
Samantha?
SAMANTHA
It’s getting cold again, of course.
It will continue to get cold.
I wish I could hibernate like the bears I once knew.
I wish I could find a warm cave and a lover next to me.
One who could scratch my back and get up to get me water when my throat was sore.
Instead I must wait an entire season for the sun to shine as bright as it once did.
Only then can the pink petals spill from my branches onto the pavement in front of me.
I find it difficult to say, but for a season, I am dead inside.
For an entire fourth of the year, I think of nothing but subsisting.
Missing the thoughts of my lover who, like an astronaut, a rocket ship, scurries out into the deepest depths of space,
Returning stronger.
Stronger and brighter and making my petals turn pink in embarrassment and anticipation.
And if that’s who we are.
That’s who we are.
HAL
Of course.
George?
GEORGE
My father was created out of loneliness.
People get that wrong.
They think the body of a man was brought back to life to prove that man can beat anything.
Including god’s one cruel love.
But it is more likely that Dr. Frankenstein built my father out of loneliness,
Out of desire for friendship,
Out of the necessity of a Gin partner.
In one of my father’s many journals,
All filled with unintelligible groans
and moans
and gurggles
and drawings of squirrells on blossoming trees
he writes about the tragedy of his own being, but also of his masters.
He shows how the curse of dr. Frankenstein was his loneliness,
And now,
Now my father…
My father’s curse was to be lonely for dr. Frankenstein.
HAL
An interesting thought.
Well,
We have a few minutes left…
Skipp?
Skipp pulls out a crumpled up piece of paper.
Skipp blows his nose in the piece of paper.
Skipp looks at the audience as he delivers the following lines.
SKIPP
My curse is to live my fantasy.
To be intelligent.
To be loved.
To understand the ideas of others and to think of people as they should be thought of.
As people.
Not as underwear,
Or underthings,
Or genitals.
People should be people should be people should be people should be people.
But
At the same time.
I am what I am what I am.
And so.
Thank you.
I am eternally in your debt, Hal Bervis.
And I’d like to say that you have an excellent program.
HAL
Thank you.
Well.
That, ladies and gentlemen, is all the time we have for this evening.
In fact, that’s all the time I have for quite some time.
I’ve decided to take some time off.
Some time for myself.
I’d like to climb the alps.
Walk across the border between Mexico and the united states.
I’d like to sit at a Parisian café and order French fries.
If I could, I would run with the bulls, but I’m afraid that years of interviewing people has formed my spine in a permanently seated position.
I’d like to think, if I truly wanted I could stand.
Hal tries to stand.
He can’t.
He tries again.
He lifts a bit.
Then sits again.
HAL (continued)
But, more time for that later.
Thank you all for watching.
I’m Hal Bervis.
Take Care.
Blackout.
Hal Stands.
End.
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