thirty-four
34. (10/17/2009)
forget it.
[A cell phone rings.
It continues to ring.
It rings again.
No one answers it.
Brian enters.]
SAM (off-stage)
Who is it?
BRIAN
No one.
SAM (entering)
Well that’s not true.
Brian
What do you mean?
SAM
Well, I fit was no one, the phone wouldn’t have rung would it have?
BRIAN
It was my ex-girlfriend.
SAM
Oh.
BRIAN
Yeah.
SAM
What did she have to say?
…
I love you?
…
I want you back?
BRIAN
I don’t know… I didn’t pick up.
[the phone beeps]
SAM
She left a message.
BRIAN
I guess so.
SAM
Well…
Are you going to listen to it?
BRIAN
I wasn’t planning on it.
Not right now at least.
SAM
Why not?
BRIAN
Well, because I’m with you right now and I want to spend my time with you and I don’t care what my ex-girlfriend has to say about anything because I love a new girl now and I’m with that new girl.
SAM
Yeah.
Why don’t we listen to it together?
BRIAN
What?
SAM
You could open the phone, and put it on speaker phone and we could listen to it.
BRIAN
No.
SAM
Why not?
BRIAN
Because I don’t know what it says. It could be private.
SAM
What do you have private with your ex-girlfriend?
BRIAN
Most of it…
I mean, nothing. I just, I just don’t want her to have said something that will make you mad.
SAM
Well, I’m already a little mad.
BRIAN
I know, and it’s a little ridiculous.
SAM
You’re a little ridiculous.
BRIAN
You know, I didn’t flip out like this when last week you went and had dinner with your ex-fiance.
SAM
So?
That’s different.
BRIAN
That’s different?
How is that different?
SAM
Well, he called me and told me he was suicidal.
BRIAN
No he didn’t.
SAM
No, but he said he was sad.
BRIAN
Why?
SAM
Because he broke up with me in the first place.
BRIAN
I thought you broke up with him.
SAM
The first time. But then we got back together and he broke up with me.
BRIAN
Oh.
SAM
I told you that.
BRIAN
Nope.
SAM
Yes.
I’m sure I did.
BRIAN
That sounds like something I would have remembered, knowing that you were going to dinner with him.
SAM
Okay.
I’m sorry.
It must have slipped my mind.
BRIAN
I can’t believe that.
SAM
What do you want me to say?
BRIAN
I don’t know. I’d like for you to tell me the truth.
SAM
I told you!
I went to dinner with my ex-fiance.
He touched my leg under the table.
BRIAN
He what?
SAM
He touched my leg, while we were sharing endless breadsticks at the olive garden,
He put his leg on my knee and then he sort of… you know…
[she makes a hand move showing a clench}
SAM
He sort of grabbed my thigh.
BRIAN
He what?!?
SAM
I told him to stop.
And he did.
He stopped grabbing my thigh.
BRIAN
You didn’t leave?
SAM
He was hurting, Sam. He was a broken man. I couldn’t just leave him.
And I had just ordered the eggplant parmesan.
BRIAN
WHAT?!
SAM
Yeah. It’s delicious there, you really should consider going sometime.
BRIAN
Well, maybe I’ll call my ex-girlfriend up and see if she wants to go.
SAM
I’ve met her before. Her trailer trash haircut wouldn’t be welcome in a fancy establishment like an olive garden.
BRIAN
I really don’t understand why you didn’t leave.
SAM
Brian, there are some things that you just won’t understand until you fiance someone.
[“fiance” is pronounced like “Fee-Ah-Nce” like sconce.]
SAM
Besides, we were having such a lovely time and I had another margarita coming.
BRIAN
You ordered a margarita at the olive garden?
SAM
Oh sure, the italians are famous for it. So anyways, he was touching my… you know, under the table when the waitress arrived.
BRIAN
Wait your what?
SAM
My you know.
BRIAN
No… No I don’t know.
SAM
Do I have to spell it out for you?
BRIAN
Yes.
Yes you do.
SAM
Well.
V
A
G
I
N
BRIAN
Okay.
Okay. You should go now.
SAM
The man was sick. His heart had been broken into a million thousand pieces and I was just trying to help him remember what it was to feel again.
BRIAN
By letting him touch the only thing that’s private?
SAM
Well, it’s my body.
BRIAN
and they were his fingers…and you and I are in love.
SAM
Sure we are, but you know I’m a philanthropist!
BRIAN
That’s not philanthropy. That’s whoring yourself out.
SAM
He didn’t pay me.
BRIAN
He bought you olive garden.
SAM
SO?
BRIAN
Please.
Please tell me nothing else happened?
SAM
Well.
No .
Not at the restaurant.
BRIAN
I can’t hear this.
I can’t hear any more of this.
SAM
Well, at least I’m not calling my ex-boyfriends all the time.
BRIAN
You got finger-banged on the vinyl booths of an olive garden!
SAM
These booths were canvas, thank you very much.
BRIAN
And then he probably fucked you in some seedy motel room!
SAM
What kind of girl do you think I am?
We made love in his rented dodge stratus.
BRIAN
we’re through.
SAM
What?
Baby. You can’t do this to me.
BRIAN
I can.
And I am.
SAM
Well, at least now you can call back your ex-fucking-girlfriend.
BRIAN
Yeah, I guess I should.
‘Cause if you remember, she works at Zales, and I have to cancel a fucking engagement ring.
SAM
Oh.
BRIAN
Yeah.
SAM
Oh my god!
Brian!
…
I do!
[a long pause.]
BRIAN
You really are an idiot.
[Blackout.]
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